Fumbling
by Dessertfirst
Summary: M only for first paragraph, may have more in later chapters. Ron can be an idiot sometimes. When he commits an idiocy to rival the Yule Ball fiasco, can he ever reconcile with Hermione? Harry and the rest of Gryffindor have their doubts. Please review!


Fumblingly, he tugged her underwear—the last barrier between them—down around her ankles and off. She opened her legs to him, smiling shyly, and he was about to lower his mouth to her when he saw something that made him stop. Or rather, he didn't see something.

"Hermione! You're not a virgin!" He pulled away.

"What are you talking about?" Hermione laughed. "I'd know if I wasn't, and I am!"

"Then why don't you have—you know, a hymen?"

"Ron! Not all virgins have those. It can get torn any number of ways."

"I see," he said as agreeably as he could manage. "And how exactly did you lose yours?"

"Well, I don't exactly remember—"

"It was Krum, wasn't it? That bastard! I'll wring his neck for touching you! He has no right--"

"Ronald Bilius Weasley!" They were both standing up now, and though they were still nude, all semblance of arousal was gone. "First of all, _no one _has touched me like that before you. Second, _you_ are the one who is crossing a line here. You can't tell me who does or doesn't have the right to touch me, and if you're going to act like this, then you make me regret not giving myself—for the _first time, Ron—_to him instead of you."

"You mean he asked?"

"He tried, Ron, without asking—"

"He _assaulted_—"

"_No_, Ron, he just went in for it because he assumed I wanted to too. Much like you, I might add."

"That's different. It was so clear, in your eyes…" It had been. Not to mention that she had deactivated the stair spell and led him up to the room that was the right of the Head Girl, where candles were lit everywhere and where, underneath her robes, there was only a pale pink bra-and-knickers set.

"Well, that was probably what he thought, too."

"Are you saying you gave him a reason?"

"_Ron!_"

"I'm sorry, Hermione. It's just that you're so beautiful…that's a reason right there…I'm sure you didn't mean to give Krum a reason…" He pulled her back to him and bent down to kiss her again. His eyes were closed, which was why he was so surprised when he felt the slap land on his cheek.

She was glaring at him with all her might. "And _that_," she said, her voice quivering with fury, "Was exactly what I did when Viktor tried to grope me. I did it in hopes that it would teach him not to assume that just because a woman beautiful doesn't mean he gets to have her."

"Merlin, Hermione!" His head still rang with her slap. "That's not what I meant! I'm not trying to _have you_! I'm trying to _l--_"

"Hah! What do you call reacting with insane jealousy when you learn I don't have a hymen? What do you call wanting to kill someone who you imagine might have touched me? What do you call grabbing me when I'm clearly not in any mood to kiss you?"

He reached for her again, to try and show her he loved her, but she stepped back. It was as if another slap had landed on him. So angry…he was so angry that she wouldn't let him love her like she deserved. "Well, maybe it was a good thing for Viktor that he tried to touch you when he did!"

"Oh?" she asked, eyes blazing. "Why's that?"

"Because he found out straight away what a frigid bitch you are!"

She stared at him for a moment in utter silence. Then she snatched up his clothes, threw them in his face, and shoved him out the door, which she slammed violently shut. "You have thirty seconds to get your clothes on before I reactivate the stair spell, and I'm not sure there's no one there anymore!"

Ron flew into his clothes and down the steps before the thirty seconds were up, hoping with all his might that there was no one there. Already he was cursing himself: what had he been thinking to say such cruel things? Even if he thought he knew about the female body, he should have taken her word as gospel. He was such an idiot!

It was Fred and George who had kidnapped him one summer night and explained all about the birds and the bees, a lecture rife with dire warnings, anecdotes, and (worst of all) diagrams.

"Now _this_," Fred had said, tapping a part of one of the diagrams with his wand, "is called a hymen, and it isn't always there. If it is, it means that you had better be extra gentle with the lady, because it's going to hurt her.

"If it isn't," George said seriously, "It means she'll have done this before, so whatever you do don't make any mistakes or she'll notice.

If Fred had said it, he might have been a little more cautious about believing it, but George didn't lie as often as Fred. Stupid him.

It seemed that fate was punishing him for his rudeness, because when he tripped and sprawled a spectacular six feet from the bottom step, the common room was absolutely packed. The Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff match, it seemed, was over.

In the midst of a storm of laughter, several girls screamed, and Lavender Brown shrieked, "How on earth did you get up and down those stairs without it activating the spell?"

"Spells aren't infallible, you know," Ron said moodily. He just _knew_ he was red to the tips of his ears. "You can deactivate and reactivate this one."

"You _can_?" several boys asked interestedly. "How?"

"Merlin," Parvati Patil said in a hushed voice, "We're none of us safe in our beds."

"Honestly, Parvati," said Dean. "This isn't Slytherin, none of us guys would do anything untoward. But, um, Ron, friend to friend, how exactly could a wizard go about manipulating this spell?"

"I wonder if just looking counts as untoward," Seamus mused.

"I've never wished I was in Hufflepuff before," said a sixth year girl.

"What on earth do you want with Hufflepuff?" a fifth year boy demanded.

"None of the boys in Hufflepuff would think of going up the girls' staircase," the girl replied haughtily.

"Oh, go on, Jennifer," Ginny said mischievously, "I think this idea has a lot of potential, and so do you. Boys' rooms are always so messy and unkempt, it'd be nice to, er, hang out with them in our rooms for a change."

"Wait just one minute!" Ron said sharply. "What do you know about boys' rooms?" Everybody laughed; Ron searched in vain for any boys who might be looking guilty.

"Oh, shut up, Ron," Ginny said casually. "Hermione's been in your rooms too. Be careful what you might insinuate about your dear chaste girlfriend."

"Hold on one minute," said Neville suddenly. "Speaking of Hermione—" He was interrupted as Lavender and Parvati noticed the same thing.

"Hermione isn't here--" Parvati said slowly.

"She wasn't at the match either--" Lavender said.

They both screamed and began jumping up and down. Ron thought they looked like two slim monkeys.

Dean looked delighted. "Good for _you,_ Ron!"

"Well, no wonder you know how to do that stair spell, with the Head Girl as your girlfriend," Seamus grinned. "Must be quite a convenience, eh?"

Ginny was laughing so hard she was crying. "And you're worried about me? I think I should be worried about you, Ron."

"We didn't do anything," Ron protested. Everybody laughed harder. When Ron and Hermione had started going together, many had been a little sad that the infamous rows were over, but it appeared that Hermione and Ron being a happy couple could be just as interesting.

"Ah," Dean said shrewdly, "So there's must be a perfectly innocent reason your robes are on backwards and your trousers are inside out and, oh, what's that you're hiding in your hand?"

Ron looked in his hand. _Oh, Merlin, no. No, no, no, no, please no. Hermione is going to kill me._ His large fist had kept what was in his hand mostly concealed, but in his agitation it appeared that a bit of pale pink fabric had become visible, and, now that he opened his hand , Hermione's knickers were clear for all to see. This time Lavender and Parvati were not the only ones to scream and jump up and down in excitement.

"Er," he said.

"Probably just doing laundry with her," Seamus said wisely.

Even Neville couldn't restrain himself from cackling, until—

"Ron," said a frosty voice from the girls' staircase. This voice was so frosty that everyone stopped laughing; in any case, it would be a tragedy beyond words to miss what would be said.

"Ron," Hermione said again as she reached the bottom of the staircase. "I believe I accidentally gave you something of mine that I would like back now."

Someone muttered "Oh, honey, you can't ever get that back," and Hermione's eyes blazed again, but she didn't look at anyone except Ron.

"Er," Ron said again. "Here." He proffered her knickers, face burning more than he ever thought possible. People were starting to chuckle again.

Hermione took them with supreme dignity, and Ron noticed that her clothes were on perfectly straight. "Oh, and Ron? I have something for you."

"You do?" he asked in confusion. She wasn't carrying anything.

"Why, yes," she said so sweetly that he was again caught off-guard when her hand met his cheek. He staggered back; it was incredible that someone six inches shorter than he could hit so hard. Then she turned around and strolled back up the stairs.

When she had disappeared, it was ten seconds before Neville said into the dead silence, "Ron, what did you do?"

"Merlin, Ron, did you steal those knickers?" Ginny asked.

"It's like I said," Parvati declared. "We're none of us safe."

"Don't be daft, Ginny," Dean said. "Something happened, because otherwise his robes wouldn't be inside out. I think maybe she didn't like his technique."

"You have to be _gentle,_ Ron," Seamus said.

Ron sputtered incoherently. "I—she—we—didn't—I _know_ that!"

"Maybe I don't want that staircase deactivation spell after all," said the sixth year who had spoken with Jennifer about Hufflepuff.

"Ron's always been too rough with those big hairy hands of his," Ginny confided to the general populace.

"Ron, what did you do?" Neville asked again. "I mean, you didn't, er, get a little _too_ rough with Hermione, did you?"

"Neville!" Dean exclaimed, horrified. "Ron wouldn't do such a thing! He may be a great stupid prat, but even he wouldn't try and force himself on a girl!"

"Oh, thanks, Dean," Ron said sarcastically.

Dean continued undeterred. "Especially not Hermione. Merlin, did you see the arm on that girl? Not to mention her full range of O.W.L.s. Ron would be in the hospital wing for a _month_." Laughter broke out again.

"Remember that hex she did on Marietta once?" said a fourth year.

"I can understand why Hermione's upset," Lavender was saying knowingly to a gaggle of girls. "Boys take a while to learn what feels good and what hurts. First times can be such disappointments when they happen with other first timers."

"I think this must be part of the reason abstinence-only sex education is so controversial," a sixth-year with glasses was telling his fellows loudly. "Not knowing what to do is _painful_."

"Yeah," Jennifer said to Lavender, "But I bet it takes a sort of talent to be that spectacularly bad."

"Poor boy," Parvati agreed, appraising Ron. "I think he needs help. One of us ought to—"

"You'd think a boy whose dad fathered seven children would know—"

"Why only one--?"

"I assure you, not everyone in the family is so—"

"Maybe that spell is in _Hogwarts, A History_—"

The conversations weren't showing any sign of stopping, and Ron couldn't find who was talking about Ginny, but what really worried him was the way those girls were staring him up and down.

"Excuse me," said a quiet voice which nevertheless got everyone's attention. "I reckon Ron maybe needs his bed now." Ron nearly collapsed in relief.

"I think he's already been in bed, and look what good that's done him," Ginny replied easily.

Harry had been sitting in a chair in the corner until now, keeping out of the public eye as much as possible. Even his classmates could be a little starstruck with him, since fifth year when Harry's claim that Voldemort had returned was finally confirmed by the Ministry. Now he moved out of the shadows, raising his head to grin at Ron. "For everyone's health, I think that if Hermione comes downstairs again it might be best if Ron is not present."

"No arguing with that, mate," Seamus agreed.

Harry reached the place where Ron had staggered back to, and put his arm around Ron. "I reckon that any problems Ron and Hermione have can be worked out between them, eh?"

"Hah!" Dean said. "After more than six years I think it's safe to say that those two can't work out their problems without all of us knowing about it anyway."

"We all remember the Crookshanks and Scabbers fiasco," Seamus concurred.

"People still talk about the Krum saga," Lavender put in. Ron balled his fists at the mention of Krum, which several people noted.

Ron whispered frantically in Harry's ear. Harry sighed, and then nodded. If people were going to be in awe of you, you might as well translate that into authority once in a while. "Well," he said, "Could you at least confine your discussion to where only Gryffindors can hear? If you don't, it'll somehow get back to Slytherin, and that can only result in an angry Hermione. And an angry Harry."

"Damn, mate," Dean said worriedly, "I don't know which would be worse."

"Hermione, for sure," Harry said modestly. "For one thing, I can't take points from us."

"I don't know, Harry," Ginny said. "You tend to blow things up and overturn Ministries when you're angry." She added something that sounded suspiciously like "It's very sexy."

"Right," Harry said with a nervous glance at Ron, "Well, like I said, time for bed. You'll all keep quiet about this in front of others, won't you?" There was unanimous assent. Harry turned and steered Ron up the boys' staircase and into the dormitory.

"Now then," Harry said once they were in the room, turning around and looking severe, "No lies. What really happened?"


End file.
